daily cross, shallow pond
A day among other days, spread over mind.
Truthfully - truth fully - can I ever claim such a thing?
Watching the coffee stretch resembles an ice sheet under pressure. Who is stepping on you, dearest? Is the very air too much for you to maintain tension? That fruitful state of eustress, proper and formed. Opponent processing at work. Confluence of opposition bringing it all into stability. Ironic how opposition creates unity and tension creates surface. Softness’s heart is rigid. I am no different, little cup. I see you. I too get overwhelmed by the air. Be comforted in your smallness, you are all of us.
Alas, the food is here - gunpowder for my smaller selves. Consequence of journaling at a restaurant. I chose to sit in the sun. As the flesh is fed, the spirit leaves me. Makes sense how the greatest thinkers had meager diets. “How could you possibly think on a full stomach?”
The paths before me are quite clear. Do this and this for a happy life. Do this and this for an honest life. Honest people are rarely the happiest. Wise people are hardly the most comforted. Better, they are themselves. The culminations of their lives are unique and stunning as an ordinary bloom. It’s worth the trade-off I think. Honesty over happiness. Beauty over purpose. If I’m to be damned by my mother, misunderstood by my father, and spiritually homeless in perpetuity that is quite alright. I have Him. Wake me if I’m sleeping. The dreams become sweeter having touched wakefulness. I used to envy the zealot. Now, I have deeper fun with his toys than he does. The Bible makes quite the obsession, idylls turned to idols.
I broke down reading Four Quartets again yesterday. It wrecks me, the universe captured in ink. Jesus in English. Beauty of Christ overwhelming. This time, reading Little Gidding to 15 people at a small religious gathering. I think they were uncomfortable, then they were moved. I believe I’ve cried half the days this year so far. Sometimes multiple times in a day. Once or twice per week that’s how I enter sleep. This proclivity is salient because it’s new - I’m unlocked. No secret chambers or exclusive reservations. I will be moved. I will be shaken. This doesn’t make me weaker. Frankly, I’m strongest I’ve been. In anguish, sure, but ordained in beauty, primed to grant grace. The dynamic range of my emotions right now would make Romeo jealous. It comes from my loves. Power each morning.
My net worth added a comma today. 16 year old Joe would be proud. I am not. At least not of a number. The number enables a soul, that is where I’m looking. The enabling, the soulfulness. Extrensics are trailing indicators of success. Money especially so. This is wonderful and worth celebrating, don’t get me wrong. But it is not important. It is a vital discipline to rejoice in the unnecessary and frivolous, for such is beauty. Break out the fancy bottle on a regular Tuesday. The occasion is itself. Worthwhileness, a placebo. Regardless, I’m indifferent. My riches are not monetary. They are hidden in all the loves that I am blessed to give. And I toil to give more! This is the secret, your wealth is measured by how much you’re giving right now. Are you completely where you are, prostrate before the throne? How much have you lost?
I love you, see you soon.