dithering

I am done being a malcontent. There is much to learn and build. The Kingdom is at hand.

My morose behavior belongs in the past and the past alone. I repent.

I write this entry surrounded in supplements and natural goods alone in an Airbnb in Missoula. Midday today I was a mess. By the evening, I was in mental peak form. A transformation happened in the middle - I believe while driving across Montana. It's incredible the power that changing spaces can have. When your environment destabilizes, the strategic fellow can bridle the shift to create a deep iteration of self. It is all so connected. Our habits and thoughts are connected to our environment. Change in environment affords change in self. It's painstaking to psychologically recolor an unchanged environment. I prefer to leave spaces locked in time. Unbrushed. No need to augment my relationship with them. The next time I visit them I'm launched into deja vu, taken back to the last season of life there. Within the last week I've experienced this in the Westin resort in Park City, loafing around in a bathrobe howling in a Swedish accent; on a long walk in San Jose, kombucha in hand, pondering Siddhartha on the San Tomas Aquino parkway; laying in a borrowed sibling's bed in my childhood home in Portland, where I'd cried myself into having washboard abs; and in a kitchen in Billings Montana, rocking a foster baby to sleep.

Each is a moment of transport. The feeling of what was returns in intensity.

Lately I've been experimenting with how arbitrary an environment is. Deep enough in meditation, it is possible to simulate any environment. After all, your experience of your surroundings are arbitrary. They say more about your nervous system than about the world. The nervous system is a canvas. Once you've freed your mind and the experience of consciousness from the self, you can wander and wonder. You can paint with notions. You can simulate immersive experience by deeply believing them to be occurring to you. I do not need to go back to Portland to feel the pain of heartbreak or to make amends with the mourning boy. I can do so here and now by expanding the conscious.

Anyway.

It is time for a new temperament.

One that recognizes beauty in each and every thing.

That claims excitement as the reward for presentness.

I will still hurt unavoidably, but I will not sit in the puddle and mope as I have been.

Rather, it is time to weep violently! To bring full bear to each kind of emotion.

This is an intentional shift.

I am excited to build that which lies ahead of me. New markets, open fields, reused canvases, tired stories needing a youthful spirit.

I am involved in the literal construction of nations, the rearchitecting of intelligence, the democratization of computation, the creation of virtual worlds, and the slow raising of 10s of children.

What a cool outcome this is! I get to play with important toys while fiddling about the world. Getting paid to talk with brilliant people and contribute to the formation of lovely souls.

I choose optimism, life, gratitude, peace, deep joy, and kindness.

Wisdom, integrity, humility, and justice.

Course is corrected.

Praise God.