me, so far
It has been 1.35 years since I had static beliefs about the world.
It's been the hardest thing I've done to leave what kept my life afloat. Now I engage with reality as a full-contact sport. So much of the human experience is locked to the person that needs it to fit a narrative (although it didn’t feel like that back in the day - the world truly generates in a filtered manner to the zealout, lots of interesting literature on this). My impatient hope is that a narrative emerges naturally from the complexity that I can connect to. It’s exhausting to wade through discontinuous experiences all day every day. Maybe that’s how it is though. I don’t know. I yield.
An oversimplified view of my spiritual searching in order of occurrence, as I remember it (written 4/16):
Loss of trust in my mind. Became aware of the depth of my capability for self-deception.
Realization of the shallowness of the vast majority of the world's thought, including within my mother religion.
Realization of over-spiritualization & worship of narrative within my own mind & previous communities.
Realization of the depth of historical philosophical & religious thought, realizing my smallness & my presumptuousness.
Realization of potent material explanations for many phenomena.
Personal interaction with deep consciousnesses and universal interconnectedness outside of religious frameworks.
Reframing my interactions with the transcendent without religion, in attempt to experience/reason from first principles, not out of anger/bitterness/etc. I love religion.
Being deeply disgusted by the downstream effects of pure secularism.
Dug into history of philosophy.
Realization of the spreading of religion through empire, trade, and war - seems like human forces determine a society's degree of belief. Assuming truth exists, salience of truth is not evenly distributed. If cosmic punishment is distributed based on exposure to religious truth, then there is unfairness in the system. First of my deep interactions with problem of divine hiddenness. whoops, rambling.
With new eyes, recognized the weakness of most's ability to frame & understand their belief system, especially without leaning on limited lexicons.
Jumped into the abyss. God is likely not real, but if he is I will remain terrifyingly open.
Paradigm-shifting interaction with the divine on the heels of that surrender. He came to me. Something is there.
Resort to what I know in response (christianity). Deep dive into scriptural history, textual criticism, history of Christendom. Winding up disappointed. No easy way out. Concluded the Bible is a loose cannon, clearly a human-made library stabilized by tradition. Still the most interesting and compelling book in existence, a miracle it exists in the form it does. Covered in divine fingerprints, not sure whose.
Went deep enough into materialism/scientism where I emerged on the other side. There is something more beyond the edge of reason. Higher consciousnesses (or "spirits") are likely to be.
Deeper understanding of the generation of meaning and the evolution of our psycho-technologies (religion, mythology, art, culture, etc).
Fascinated by the unique structure of Christianity's impact on the world.
Stunned by the beauty, symmetry, and symbolism of Christ.
Deep dive into Orthodoxy. Deep dive into Catholicism. Deep dive into Protestantism.
"Testing all spirits." Seeing which paths deceive based on outcomes. Regular interaction with what seems like agentic consciousnesses outside of my bodily locus.
Continual verbal and spiritual submission to Jesus Christ, hoping that His authority is revealed to me and I can get out of this mess, or at least approach it from a place of strength. Nothing so far.
Beginning deep dives into Zoroastrianism & the history of monotheism.
I definitely missed a lot. But that feels right. Lots of meditation, contemplation, rabbit holes, and conversations woven throughout.
The emotional sequence of my journey:
Grief
Confusion
Collapse
Searching
Striving
Release
Fear
Surrender
Brief clarity
Misery
Whatever I am entering now.
The constants:
If I am to live, I will submit to the highest order good I can imagine continually, regardless of cost, behaving as if the principles of my actions could be universal law.
It matters more who I am becoming than what I have, do, think, know, etc. How and why I engage matters more than what exactly I engage with, because it is the whys and hows that shape me.
The pursuit of fleshly appetites is foolish. Full stop. Do not let the reward system give direction. Align the reward system with truth to be self-propelled toward the good.
& a lot more actually. I’m more principled now than before.
My escapes:
Remote places in nature, mountains.
Narrative (films and novels).
Playing the piano.
While I have many hobbies, these were the only things strong enough to get me out of myself.
It has been challenging to engage in this well while investing thoughtfully in my career, travels, charitable efforts, and personal relationships. Notably, the process began when I had 3 months alone in Salt Lake City after 4 months of chaotic travel. I am settling into a new place now with extended time to myself. It'd be convenient if this allowed for revelation as SLC did, but I am not dependent on it. I will see this through. Each small compromise I make now will catch up to me in 20 years when I have the courage to lose everything again (at least it seems like that with people in midlife crises, but also seems like I work on an unrelated timeline). So I cannot negotiate and settle. I want to front load as much of the pain in this life as I am able. If I'm a miserable youth, I'll be a joyous old man. I aim to take on as much responsibility as I can bear in this life, such that the world and humanity can be improved through me. It is not my life but the life of the Giver - and I will not stand in the way of what could blossom through my time in this body.
Enough playing hero.
Due to my busyness and frequent distraction - it has been easy to settle with low quality thought. And so the last year has been one of building and breaking down. I've had to humble myself over and over. As soon as I think I understand or know something, it is ripped out of me. This is a wide universe and a deep spiritual space. I know nothing compared to what there is to know. Nothing at all. I have reached a peace regarding that, for which I'm grateful.