12/22/23-7/27/24 email

Time to move on from a past love. I’m in deep. Wrote many email entries to her after I broke up with her in case I ever had a shot at winning her trust again.

It’s over now and I am to move on. I can’t have it anywhere where I’ll see it and think about it, but so much of my heart is in here. So I’m slipping it into the archive. Redacted the name for privacy.

7/27

I still love you.

My question to myself is how should that love be implemented in my life?

I loved our relationship.  I think you’re well suited for the life I’d like to create…. I don’t have an understanding of what you want.  I feel I’ve put words in your mouth some.

The logistics of being together will be challenging at this point, not insurmountable, but challenging.

I am grateful for you and our journey.  I’ve released it.  Whatever role we have in each others’ lives it has already been impactful & beautifying.

I hope to speak to you this week.

I have a month left in my cabin before the noise of travel begins again.  I’d like to put energy toward getting with or getting over you this month.

I need clarity with you in that.

Indecision is a decision at this point, I feel.

Getting together would be a challenge. I do not feel like I know you.  I want to know you.  I also feel, with a short amount of time, we will be enveloped into each other again with little effort.

Praying for you.

I love you [x],

Joe

7/19

And then it all drifted away like a balloon in a storm it was always way too small for.  I held on for a long time.  It’s whipping & deflating has tired me out.  So my fondness of it & love remains, but it is with the storm now.  The odds I ever see it again are slim.  That’s okay.

7/16

Letting you go.

When you do come to mind, I wonder if we’d even be good for each other.

I don’t feel like I know you.

I’ve fully separated my desire & love for you from my well-being.

I do still love you.

Felt for you today.

At the same time, I imagine you being here (I’m with our friends right now) & have a hard time imagining being okay around you as a friend.  I don’t think that’d work.

7/7

I wrote you another letter I’m not going to send.

It’s hard to wait.  Especially when there is no promise.  That is the story of my life now - in faith, in work, in art.

I want to show you all the things that I’ve been blessed to see & know.  I want to know you again.  I’m tired out, burnt at the edges, from deferred hope & wandering expectations…

I love you [x].  I still choose you.

This is hard.

Yours,

Joe

6/28

I love you.

Wish we knew each other.

Not worried or troubled, but certainly pained.

This is one of those lifelong things isn’t it.

Grateful it’s over you.

6/25

Hi,

I don’t have anything to say.  I don’t know why I opened this.  I just miss you.  Cried to sleep 3 nights this week.  What the hell is wrong with me.

It’s a beautiful thing to know what loss feels like.

It hurts to know I’m not who you need.

I pictured you with another person today.  It wrecked me, but it’s what you should have.

I’m too messy.

I don’t feel like you have a good idea of who I am.  That’s slightly encouraging.  If you think I’m worse than who I am or that there are deep moral failures in me, I will be easier to move on from.

Good riddance in your case.

I don’t say this to deride myself, rather in the hope you’re not feeling what I am. I want you to be joyful and at peace.

A false perception of me that yields simpler separation is to be preferred over a high view of me paired with the realization that I am not the “man of god” that you are capable of partnering with.

Man of god is what you told me you thought I was on one of our phone calls.. I told you that idea of me must die.  I held back tears saying that.  I dont think you noticed. 

If I am anything I am worst among sinners, but most likely I am nothing.  Called by name but left for dead.

I can’t picture feeling for anyone but you.

I can hardly even think of anyone but you.

It’s been this way as long as I can remember now.

I don’t have much hope that that will change.

That’s okay.

I hadn’t planned to be with a wife before you.

I suppose that may come to pass.

This probably would feel like a contorted view to you if you ever read this - but that’s unlikely - I’ve learned how to give up for the sake of others through all this.  The divine will over my own.  Your good over my fulfillment of desire.

When we met up in Everett it seemed like you forgot that my feelings never changed.

I haven’t lied to you about that.

I still loved you on Ash Ave.  I still loved you in Charlotte.  I still loved you each day after.  I have not been inconsistent.

I want you.

I wanted you.

This was not my first choice.

But it was the right choice and so it had to be made eventually, and so it had to be made immediately.

You don’t need to know this if we are not to be back together though… better if you didn’t really..  I’m okay to love deeply and remain in deferred hope, passion without expression. 

For once I am all the way here.  In myself.

Please be well.

Please discover love.

I am so proud of you [x].

You are a brilliant soul, a delightful heart, a warm mind, & a radiant gentle light.

I’m grateful to have been close.

And I’m grateful to be far.

As long as it’s what you need.

And I trust you.  That you’ll know what you need.  That you won’t compromise.

& dear god, if I am compromise for you, you will never see me again.

That’s all.

Choose truth.

Be well.

Yours always,

Joe

6/22

Still in love with you.

Still waiting for the tides to turn in our favor.

Used to be anything but still.

Now, just still.

I hope you’re having a wonderful summer.

I am too.

Joe

Also happy 6 months.  Weve been separate as long as we were together.  It’s been one month now since we’ve talked as well.  Hope you’ve made progress in your emotional trudging.  I desire peace & joy for you, however it may come.

6/16

I wrote you a letter yesterday poetically describing my heart posture (sometimes I feel like I violently swing between pretentiousness & insufferableness- like, damn, talk normally for once Joe.  Pen goes to paper & reality transfigures into the grand dance I see that it is.  It’s the truest way I can talk, but I think it alienates the reader), then asking for clarity from you on whether I should shut the door on us or not.

I asked god whether I should send it or not.

Today the service was oriented around waiting, psalm 130 being the central text, which has personal meaning for me.

Message received.  I wonder what He’s up to.

I love you [x],

Joe

6/14

I don’t know about all this.

I think I want you.

I don’t feel like I know you anymore.

Or that you know me.

I have a well of affection - a resounding love that responds to your name.  But what does your name represent to me?  Is it actually you now?  A ghost of who you were to me?

I’m not ready to be back with you.  I need to get to know you again.  I need to feel like you know who I am.

I have a deep tension in me.  I haven’t released you.  A note of discord sings in quiet moments, when the dust settles.  That’s what remains for us.  I can bear it if you are worth waiting for.

But now I don’t know you.

I’ve changed I think.  You probably have.

You couldn’t of changed that much though… & I do not have the awareness to know how much I have…

I don’t know how our lives would meld.  It worked well last year.  This year I have more structure.

No mind, we will make it work if there is love there.

When we met up a few weeks ago all the above stuff dissolved.  I remember how I felt about you, what I want, and so on..  powerful really.

I don’t know what to make of you not feeling the same.

Is there a way where you choose me & do not compromise on your values?  I don’t see it if so.  I do not want to be with someone who participates in the latter.

6/12

I love you.

6/10

It’s your bday tomorrow.

Conflicted whether to text you.

It would be torture to be just your friend.  It’s either acquaintances or lovers.. I will struggle if I’m close to you and can’t hold you, call you mine.

Or maybe I’m doing the all or nothing thinking again and getting melodramatic.

Either way, you turn 26 tomorrow.

I wish I could be there.

A year ago in two days we climbed Mount hood. I had so much fun.  My favorite part of that day though, looking back, was holding you in Society.. talking about what we want with our lives.. experiencing you soften in my arms..

You’re tough.

You know that.

I love being where you can melt.

I’ll hold you.

It’s never an inconvenience. 

It’s always an honor.

Again, I’m hopeless.  It’s almost been 6 months since we broke up. 

I’ve seen you twice since.

Here I am writing words that you’ll probably never see because I can’t stomach fully losing you.

This affords me a sense of still being connected.

We’re not.

Are you reading this Joe?

Are these words coming out of your fingers?

She’s not yours.

She’s gone.

You’re not what she needs.

She needs a Christian.

You may not be able to move on, but at least stop pretending.

Read this again.

Ugh.

Wipe your tears.

Lift your drooping hands. Strengthen your weak knees.  Be at peace with all, including yourself.  Make straight paths for yourself.

You have to let this die in order to see if it comes back.  That’s what you told me.

I respect that.

I don’t trust the version of you that comes back to me after I left the faith you trust & broke your heart.

I don’t know that I can wisely let you choose me.

Same reason I left.

How could I possibly be good for you.

6/9

Man, life is wild.  Doing so many things, experiencing beautiful moments, getting access to unique people, building reputation in powerful rooms.. each moment I cannot help but want to show it to you.  

I’ve been hanging out with wealthy healthcare entrepreneurs this weekend at nascar in Sonoma.  This crew seems trustworthy and treats each other like family in a non-manipulative way.  I’ve been invited in & am feeling so grateful.  I see each person doing business like this, including their family & partners, & im so lovesick i end up thinking of you half the time.

I’m not distraught, which is nice.

But I miss you.

I want you to find and create the life that would be beautiful and best for you.  I trust that you will.

My heart aches because it might not be with me.

I know that this life would be made more wonderful with your inclusion, but will be delightful either way..

I just love you ladybird.

Praying for you.

Joe

6/6

Missing you all sorts of ways.

If loving you means acknowledging I’m not right for you, then I won’t shy from it.

I have enough hope in me to fear what feels inevitable.

I love you [x], however this all goes.

6/1

A year from our first date today.

God, I’m hopeless aren’t I.

I love you.

5/30

Boiling over again today.

I miss you.

I can’t picture you believing what you believe and accepting me.  I feel so much shame.  It’s not from you, it’s from my mom.  I grew up thinking people like me were weak, perpetuators of lies, unwilling to see the truth, wandering around with itching ears…. If we ever are together again that is something that I will need to work through.

I fear being seen as a second-class citizen.  Especially in your eyes..

I’m pained over our distance, but it is what it is.

Come what may.

I don’t know how I’ll move past you if this does end in shambles.  I’ve been crying most of the evening at the thought of you coming back after your processing with the insight that I am not right for you.  I’m afraid you’ll reach the conclusion that I reached, that got us here in the first place.

This is a powerful powerful thing.  This love.  I’ve known nothing like it.

Be well.

Joe

5/26

You’ve made a home on the back of my eyelids.

I’m not mad about it.

I don’t know if I need to give you up.

Feeling discouraged today.  How could you possibly backtrack on needing a partner that’s deeply in love with Jesus while being so involved with Bridgetown.  I just can’t picture it.  

I want it all with you.  I don’t see how being with me would satiate what you need.  

It was surprising (but also something deep in me knew?) to hear that you were struggling to move on.

I’m afraid that us won’t resurrect after you fully let it die…

It has certainly gotten much harder after seeing you.  You’re front of mind much of the time, but differently than previous.  I’m still fully engaged and able to move about the day, but a deep sadness sits under it all.

I love you [x], hope you’re alright.

5/24

All damn day.

You’re there.

Ruminating is not helpful.  There’s nothing I can do.

You are right to not trust me - I hurt you.  I believe I’m trustworthy and splitting was the only wise decision.. I want to rebuild the trust, to show you who I am, but that would apply pressure.  That is not my heart.  You are on your journey, like I am mine.

I’ve never been more biased in my prayers.

I hope you choose me.

I will be alright either way.  My life is beautiful and deep.  I’m so grateful for the affordances of joy that’ve found their way to me.

But oh do I love you.

Others’ don’t understand when I describe how I feel.  It’s so powerful.  Hot to the touch.  It drives me mad.  I’m out of touch with reality.  I want life with you so badly.

This cannot come across to you as urgently & richly as I feel it.  It could harm you.

Sweet [x].

May these weeks treat you well & clarity find you soon.  I ask for blessings on your path. Small joys.

I’m sorry I am full of myself.

Little bits of pride leak out of me & I hate it.. I’m sure you’ve seen some.  I’m sorry for them. It is my primary aim to uproot pride.

Anyways…

I love you.

Goodnight.

5/23

I wrote a note in here before we met, but it appears it’s disappeared.

My heart hurts today.

It was so good to see you.  Challenging, but good.

I know I am not hallucinating my feelings now for sure.  Seeing you, hearing you, it was all there and didn’t exist only in my head.

The hardest thing to do now is nothing.

So be it.

I love you so much.

I hope you find what you need.  I believe you will.

I want it to be me, but I won’t let that get in the way.

Joe

Yeesh this is hard.  Even though I’ve felt I’ve let go of the potential of us, given my spiritual mismatch, it feels I need to lose you all over again.  Yet I want to remain in the waiting.  To be here for you if you do turn.

I saw the love in you.  It’s hurt and hiding, but it was there.  I think you see me slightly better now.

No closure for us huh.

I miss you.  & I trust you and also know that this isn’t the right time.  Your gut feeling is a real truth.  I’m glad I didn’t come on even stronger, as I was tempted to.

I will continue to build a beautiful life, day by day, hoping for reunion - but not holding out for it.  Life must continue.

I love you ladybird.  Sorry for my mess. I understand if it isn’t what you want.

5/15

Time goes on, huh.  10 days since last note.

You texted me a few days ago.

I’m grateful you want to talk.  I’m very excited to see you.  I’m worried.  I’m getting hopeful.  I want us to work out.

I need a partner that will walk with me through my doubts and my struggles.  It’s impossible to imagine a future where I maintain inner depth without them..  they are proof of deep inner questioning and seeking.  I want to know Him, not a lesser version.

I miss you so much.

I’m afraid I can’t be the stable faithful husband my whole life - there will be turmoil and I will plunge into it head on.  I can’t partner with someone that won’t support me while I do so…. Whether Christian or not..  still, now, I do not hold a persistent belief but I hope that you will see that I am honestly trying with everything I have to give.  This is not an egocentric endeavor as far as I can tell (although I may realize later in life it was, that seems to be a trend). The cost of pursuit is fitting into a category, because I am redefining categories as part of the process.  That may push you away, which would be good for you if I’m not a good fit.

Depends on what you need & want.  If I am in season or not.

I love you [x].  Excited to see you.  Scared by how hopeful I am.  Worried you are too, yet we have nothing new to offer each other.

5/5

Hi love,

It’s been more than 5 months.  That’s wild.  In a couple weeks we will have been apart longer than we were together.  That’s miserable!

In the back of my head I’ve been hoping that this all gets sorted out by June 1st so I could come in guns ablazing 1 year from our first date, but judging by where I am now I doubt that will be the case.

I love you & ive forgotten you mostly.  It’s a wafting dream now.  A dream I desire & care to see in reality - but still just that, a dream.

I’m living life fully.  Applying myself as best I can.  I think you’d be proud.  Our worlds feel so far apart.  Remember how much occurred in my life the 6 months we were together?  It feels like that x2 this last six, so much crunched into so little.

I miss your touch, your smile, your quietness, our quietness together.  I felt there were moments you experienced a quiet misery with me.  I hope that you haven’t had any more of that.

Thinking of you daily still, without any loss of love,

Joe

5/1

Less confidence today.  Feeling so connected to purpose & this lovely place we exist in & to god.  I do not see Yahweh or Jesus as exclusive manifestations of god, nor even full examples of the divine nature…. The Bible is so wonderful. I’m in love with it.

The mythological evolution of Judaism & Christianity gets clearer by the day.  How it could’ve come to be.  The odds that it’s truly animate by an all knowing all powerful all good being and other beliefs aren’t continue to get slimmer…

It’s hard because honesty feels like letting the potential of us slip.  

I’m attending church - have been since we broke up.  I’ve been meeting weekly with older Christian men every week to wrestle with these things.  I’ve accidentally pushed two of them to deeper wrestling themselves, which isn’t very comforting.  The latest one who I am just recently befriending is trying to set me up with his daughter (I still love you, there is 0 potential of anything there) - and he’s a serious Christian!  Like as in tomorrow he leaves for China to support the underground church and train pastors.  I’ve somehow made an impression with my religious knowledge and high regard for virtuous behavior that warrants matchmaking.  Yet here I am, not confident at all that the Protestant Christian claims are true…

Messy.

I love you.

This sucks.

Hope you’re thriving.

4/28

So curious where our story ends or if it already has.

I’m getting adjusted to the fracturing of beliefs. Doesn’t appear one system of thought is sturdy enough to hold a man who’s willing to give up everything for truth.  At some moment it gives.. this is where narrative makes sense.  The yielding is not to truth as a set of facts but to the narrative of truth that is fluid and rings real in the antechambers of the heart once you are living in accordance.  I could see a journey back to Him in that way…. It’s a challenge because I want to believe, but then reality gets in the way.  This has happened a few times now.  

Incredible how highly I can be thought of within Christian communities without believing the stated doctrines.  I mean - the way I behave and talk draws high praise, yet my theology is never examined to reveal I’m not like the others.

I haven’t looked at photos of us in a while & only today revisited our emailing.

I’m sitting next to a river, gnawing on a plum, happy as can be - but wishing you were next to me still.  

I was drawn to write this while attempting to imagine where you are at now regarding us.  If you’ve gotten over me or found another person. It would be logical for you to, but I’m hoping your love is as irrational as mine.  That would be too much to ever ask for, but it would mean much to me if it occurred naturally.

I really love you.

4/21

Getting harder.

Love you deeply.

4/19

Really grateful for what we had.

Not very hopeful I’m getting over you any time soon haha, but that’s okay.  I get fuzzy feelings thinking about you still.  Even though you’re not mine & might never know you again as close as I did.  You’re a magnificent soul.

I have no idea where things go from here.

But I love you with each fiber in me still.  It’s sort of ridiculous.

Colored by memories us, all shades in perfect coordination.  Moved and tearful.  Captured by the beauty still.  I love you darling.  I cannot stop myself from saying it somehow, even if it’s in a pretend email it must escape me.

Joe

4/18

What a complicated thing living is.  I’m having a delightful time these days.  Unfortunately, whenever I write I broadcast only my pain - because it needs to be released.  There is deep joy within me that needs no expression as its existence is rich enough.  Do not be confused, I am alright now.

I adore you [x].  It’s been so long I hardly remember what being together felt like.  But I remember who you are and what you mean to me hasn’t in the least bit waned.

I’d like to give you a call in the next few weeks if I do not make any more progress toward where you stand spiritually.  Even just to communicate where I am & help you release any notion of me being a neat & organized Christian eventually.  Principally, I do not want you to wait for me.  Emotionally, i hope that you are.  Either way, this is a co-written story, our love, and I’ve been in my head too long.  I’d like to hear your voice again too.  That may be too much to ask, as I am a deeply moved person on your behalf..

I love you so.

Joe

Later in the day now.  Nothing new to say but that the above feelings last the whole day.  I feel so deeply for you.

I’ve not looked at pictures of us for a while now nor am allowing myself any searching of your name / socials / etc.

I still miss you.  So much.

Hope you’re well.

Joe

4/17

I love you dear.  Having a hard time with the religion stuff today.  Less confident than I’ve been in making my way to you.

Hope you’re well.

Joe

4/16

Good morning.

Thinking of you now, as I am always.

Beyond the unsaturated desire I have to see our bond flourish into something foundational and lifelong, I am filled with appreciation for you.

You have a lovely spirit.  One of earnest effort and humble repose.  Of kind words and challenging observation.  You balance grace and discipline well my love.  If I may call you that still.

I cherish what we had & I know that you will be alright in the grand scheme of things, if you’re not already.  I hope Jesus is comforting you and you have found deeper meaning for your existence through all of this.

While I hope your work is flourishing, I pray you haven’t run from yourself and your feelings into it. 

Missing you deeply.  Surrendered to the highest possible good, which sits beyond understanding.

You delight me still, though I have forgotten you.

I love you ladybird.

Joe

4/14

My most prominent desire is for you to be here with me.  I want hold your hand and hear your heart beat against mine.  I want to walk through the woods with you, listen to you notice little beauties, kiss you in response to anything and everything.

I’m fighting!

This move should open up space to more adequately process and feel.

Please wait for me.  This is the only place I will write that.  You can’t feel that pressure from me, your life must continue.

I want what’s best for you above all.  If you’re happy now and moved on, that’s alright, wonderful even and I’m proud of you.

But please wait for me.

I cannot stand a future without you!!

Lord meet me where I am please.  I’m trying to run to you, but don’t know where you are.

I love you [x].

Be well.

4/12

I love you.

Deeply.

I’m unsure if I’ll ever be able to provide you what you need.

I’m in a lot of pain.  Don’t feel attached to my life.  I’m worried.  I hate that I’ve had to leave you.  I’m taking out the hate on myself in unfair ways.  You wouldn’t want that.

I’ve grown up a lot these last almost 4 months.

I don’t know what to do.

Connection with Him is my primary desire, and you’re a close second.

I feel connected with Him.  It’s tragic I’ve lost you.

It’s unending this churning in me.  I’ve filled enough pages about it though, I won’t fill this too.

You’re loved.

You’re desired.

And you certainly deserve someone better than me.  Best thing I can do for you is disappear or gently let you go.  Even if it rips me apart inside.

I’m not very good for people.  Seem to hurt them or confuse them, let them down.  I’m entertaining, can say smart words and make things seem bigger than they are.  I’m a husk & there’s no kernel.  Shell with no meaning.  This just gets deeper without Jesus.  I hope I last.

If I don’t, I’m thinking of how to remove you from the blast zone so it doesn’t affect you much.  You likely still think of me sometimes and may still have fondness for me in your heart.

This must disappear - anything beyond what you’d feel toward any other person, any sense of connection greater than us having a shared history for a bit, as it is with many other people, needs to go.

I cannot hurt you again, I couldn’t bear it, but something direct feels needed to keep you out of mourning given my soon passing.

My voice would break over the phone and tears could not hide over FaceTime.  Text is impossibly immature and I’m too far away for in person.  Phone will probably be the best once I can bear it.

How pitiful I am.  I do not understand the above sentences and why I get this way.  I’m tempted to delete all this, but you won’t ever see it anyway I’d wager at this point… idk I still have some hope.

I am a deeply distraught man.  If we’ve ended up together just take a warning from this version of Joe that he may leave suddenly at some point in your shared life.  It feels like the most possible way of me ending.  Anything else would be convenient.  Act accordingly.

Ugh

I feel dishonest if I hit the delete button.  Make of that what you will.  Hopefully I’ll be more stable if you ever see this.

I love you.

I want life with you.

Nothing has changed within me toward you.

But I am a hopeless wretch.  You are better without me.  All are, really.

Goodnight my love.

4/10

Hi my love,

What a long road it’s been!

Genuinely each month carries a whole year of life.

It’s freaking me out.

I’ve made a bunch of friends who are in their mid 40s.  They’re the only people that relate to my nexus of crises.  It’s beautiful.  Getting into the roots with older men, being a place where they can admit not knowing, feeling small, being afraid.

I’ve had to break first for them to get to that place.  But always they meet me there.

When people are met by honesty, they know within themself when they are not responding in honesty.

I’m self-aggrandizing, but I enjoy that element of this process.

I’m a bit more at peace today.

Do know that I think of you always.

I cannot look at the moon without picturing its light glow off your skin.

I cannot depict the sun without imagining it‘s rays combing your hair.

You are so beautiful to me.

It’s so sad how long it’s been since we’ve interacted.  It’s also completely necessary.  I’d break if I saw you.  I love you so completely.

My pursuit of God and truth are paramount and I spend all my days on them.  Not for the sake of you, but you do charge things.

I miss you so much.

I have to imagine you have had the sense to move on at least a bit by now.  Opening yourself to thoughts of other people.  Reducing the times I come to mind to as little as possible.

Don’t forget me ladybird.

I’m feeling some progress with God.  But these things are illusory.  Who knows where I’m actually at.  I’ll know when I know I suppose.  When we split, I deeply doubted spiritual existence at all - trudging through the muck of the potential of a shallow materialism.  While that did stay with me, it seems to me that all is of the universal substrate.  Matter is possibly emergent of consciousness, of the spirit.  There are not dual realities - but rather one, and we play characters with limited perceptions.  Anyway, that evolved to digging into biblical history and history overall.  It became easier to see how I was mislead by my family traditions and Protestant traditions overall.  The church being such a shallow experience - excluding in some proportion Bridgetown.  Studying regular history it became increasingly obvious to me how the divine’s hand is active.  Additionally I had those strange interactions with him in Jan in SLC.  That was a trip.  I haven’t had anything of the scale since.  In Feb I continued this digging and processed it with many friends.  Older men, younger men, peers.  Athiests, agnostics, Christians.  I wish I had more friends that deeply held other religions, so I could know their mind.  March I more fully came to realize the beauty of Christ (although I still am unsettled about him being God), he is stunning.  Easter opened me up a bit as well.

There is so much contention in me - I see divine action in many other spiritual structures!  I want to see the mind of Christ having authority in a spiritual way.  I see it in a material way, it increases the coordination and humility of masses, driving them to the production of virtue and productivity.  I do not know His authority though…. Or if there are even discrete spiritual beings.  It seems more like there is one divine entity that is interacting with us, occasionally us with them.  

Narrative, music, and poetry all point me to the Christian God.  The God of the Jews.

I don’t even know what it’d look like to come back at this point.  I’ve done so much wandering.  Coming back to a Christian faith would be wild - there’s so much i believe now that would need to be integrated.  It would be so emotional to know Jesus as God.  YHWH as father.  It hurts so deeply to be separated.  I do not like that idea of living with that separation from Him forever.  Is it the void of an innocent, beautiful, but false narrative that made my life feel deep?  Or is it the pulsing, ongoing, intervention of an active and powerful God that I am blind to?

My theology would be quite different coming back.  I wonder if you’d go to an Orthodox Church with me?  Not sure I can stomach Protestantism with what I’ve felt/seen.  Although I do love Bridgetown and many nondenom churches.. I just don’t feel like I’d get the fathering I need.

I love you so much.

I hope you’re well.

I forgot I wrote the entry below haha.  I’m keeping it in, a nice change of pace.

4/6

I love you biiiiitch

Never gonna stop lovin you

Biiiiitch

Amen praise god.

Things are looking up.  But who knows.  Not the right time quite yet to reach out to you - need some more time, but I’m working reach of Jesus.

 Need him to reveal his authority to me.  We’re working it out.

4/4

I hate to see the days tick by without resolution or path forward for us.  It is a privileged white boy’s agony.

I’m returning to holding high standards for myself again.  I feel I’ve let them fall in order to allow for genuine searching..  but now I must be good even if I don’t know what good is.  It’s been too long and I do not like who I’m becoming.

I feel Him intensely.  I cry out for Jesus to reveal his authority to me - that is where I am stuck.

I am so prideful and full of muck.  I have no problem seeing my wrongness.  I am blind to what is right.

I’m sure you pray for me & I hope it works.  I’m on my knees each night begging Him to be here.

It’s been revealed to me that even my faith is a gift from Him.  & there are dry seasons.  I empathize more and more with the wandering souls in this world, so many lost people.

I have more thoughts, but am tired of crying, I’m going to go on a run.

I love you so much.

4/1

Just ran around the SLC airport convinced you were there somewhere.  Not sure what came over me.  Was similar to when I drove in the Mercedes to the lost brewery that you weren’t painting at.

Quite ridiculous.

But I did it.

And it made complete sense.

Also it wasn’t true.

You weren’t there.  I had a false belief.

I’m worried God’s like that.

A deep belief so perfectly forms the world to reflect the desires of the believer - except there are discontinuities that can be brushed away with some effort.  Like his hiddenness. Like how the best things for state and science were separation from church.

You weren’t there because I just missed you.  You weren’t there because you were deboarding or boarding, or I didn’t see you because I was moving fast, because I forgot what you looked like.

No, you were in Charlotte.

God didn’t tell me you were here.  Although the voice was as still and small as i could tell & sounded similar to the many other times he’s allegedly spoken to me.  He didn’t.  And you weren’t there.

That’s alright.

But I need to be able to stomach that.

The little things form in the same ways as the big things.

Hardly know anything…

I know this.

I love you.

I don’t feel I could love another person this decade.  And even that feels like not enough time..  frankly I’m trying to give a time window so there’s a hope of “after [x]” but I want no after.

I so deeply am for you.  I have so much love to give you…

I do not know if you could bear life with me though.  I think you could.  I don’t know if you should.  I wonder with enough thought whether you would end up believing you should, given that I will be involved in the search my whole life. 

I may be able to make amends with you, meet you in certain beliefs - eventually maybe even that Jesus was literally god.  But then, alignment on what that means is tragically large - what is “god”?  But assuming the first, will you accept me?  When would you?  When should you?

The last is the most important.  Because you didn’t turn me away when I was poison for you.  You didn’t shut the door when I wasn’t eligible for you.  I did.  I had to see myself as poison first, it took time.

I would never ruin such a delicate bloom.  I will never run from the curiosity and desire for truth I have been afforded.  It will plunge me into pain and maybe even death, but it will be a true death.  A death of self, and such, a union.

You didn’t want me to run from it all.  You seemed to admire it.  And you knew nothing of it, partly my fault..

It is a deep pain I carry in my chest.  It makes my breaths short & my purposes vain.  All I desire is you.  I must give up that desire, I know, to fully reach union with the Spirit…. Then maybe He will grant it, as He’s done with every other wonderful thing in my life.

I made plans to kill myself in the woods in the mountains near my cabin this last week.

Can’t tell anyone otherwise they’ll intervene.

It will be with a gun somewhere where I can’t be found. One that is small enough to turn in on myself.

I can’t bear this.  I can bear this.  Both are true.

Often I’m grateful you are not with me for the sake of your eventual harm by my suicide. It seems inevitable (I say this with a clear mind, not desiring death currently).

You don’t deserve it.  And you’re not causing it, for the record, if this gets found after I’m gone.

You are the most beautiful journey I’ve had.

Each else pales..  I am in a white life, bloodless adventures and experiences plague my privileged heart.

I write this honestly, because I lose hope in drops each day that you will ever be with me again.. these words then becoming my quiet processing, attempts to breathe life into a corpse.

It makes me wish to join it.

I don’t want to be here.

How selfish would it be to die?  At my own hands?

Quite.  The ultimate manifestation of self obsession.  I must release myself into others & be embodied in their loves.

I’m finished I suppose.

I’ll take this to a journal.

I miss you hopelessly.

I love you unmeasurably.

3/31

Veiled in the mourning groom’s

eye, synced tragedy of dawn and dusk.

Ends and beginnings, tearings and joinings,

variant & personal, no static hope.

Yet static to the touch &

shocking to behold,

narrative consummate a priori.

Ends in beginnings. Death latent in the

foundations of the worded world.

Gilded without glimmer, I’ve thought myself

poised.  Ruined yet in new newness.

Have I ever or will I ever be prepared for

what you deserve. Darling, I hold no grudge,

no bitterness, no striving, nor you.

Though it pains.  By my own choice

this path manifests - honesty over hope,

connection over corrosion.

I’m a miserable man without you.

A hopeless mound without Him.

When I’m ready i will come.

If that ever may be.

Though skin may never touch, I hold you in

mind and heart perpetually.

Sick am I & weary of living,

truly I place desire in disaster.

But I love you.

& will see to it your life remains wonderful,

and you receive what you need.

Albeit from the shadows.

Fulfillment of promise, still.

No prose is enough.

No quill adequately indefatigable.

Words of your beauty spill and spill.

Covering floor, lapping at soul,

filling - surface rising - and burying me

drowning in lovesick cacophony.

One embrace would do me in, 

A glance of your eye enough to break

this old young heart and send me back

to wistful, wishful, winsome, longing.

I want to wed. I want forever.

Self-denial - to give up that only want.

Jacob on altar, knife in air.

Waiting for the ram.

Do not wait for me, but please do not forget

what we had and how it tasted. 

Remember its sweetness and move on only

if it is surmountable for you and small in context.

For me, I know, it is everything.  An invincible wall.

To live in daydream of you is no torture.

What a gift to have had most illustrious of blooms.

To smell and share in fragrant love.

It was here and it isn’t.  Yet it is in me.

I love you [x]. As long as can be.

3/29

Don’t know what to do.

Feeling it all still.

Tearing at the seams.

May need to draw the curtain soon.

I love you.

3/26

I ache to renew connection with you.  Being in portland & with family makes it feel so close, so possible.  Being geographically distant affected that somehow..  I fear not being right for you.  It seems true.  If I see you, I do not know what I am to do.  I cannot behave as if there is nothing in me, yet bringing it all to the fore could harm you & any stability you’ve found.  Treacherous balance.  I want to be honest with you.  

I do not know the moves to this dance.

I am sick and tired of being love-sick and tired.

I do feel a need to catch you up on where I am and where I see myself going.  I’ve made much headway since we last spoke.

But I am a mess still.  My thoughts aren’t organized and my beliefs are far from solid - as previous, I can’t comprehend the path toward solidity.

I am deeply in love with God.  I see him everywhere.  It is not a naive love i had once.  It also isn’t a definable one.  To expand on who I see him to be would render me a heretic in my home & with you I believe…. It’s possible I’m wrong.

I miss you flower.  Be at peace.

3/24

Damn this is hard.

I’m so in love with you.

It worries me that I am unlikely to be a good fit for you and over three months my love, desire, and interest in life together hasn’t waned in the slightest.  What am I to do with myself.

I hope you’re fairing better.

I want you.

It doesn’t seem wise to pursue you.

This is ridiculous.  When do I follow my heart and when do I follow my spirit.  I’m confused.

3/23

I miss you a lot.

I want you still.

I don’t think it’ll work out.

Not sure if Jesus was god & if so, how exactly he was god and what that makes of the gospels and the various NT accounts.

The searching is not just a now thing.  I can tell.  The flood gates are open and I am hungry to explore how things are, the nature of being, the structure of it all, the boundaries of self, the experiences of deep consciousness.

I am not willing to stop and say what I know is good enough.  That may be my fatal flaw.

I feel that me being in these spaces affected your confidence in me and provoked you to fear when we were in relationship.  I also didn’t show you all that was happening in me.

I fear that I shouldn’t have a partner that can’t be in that space with me, given I’ll be there a lot.

I so badly want to be with you, to build life with you.

I feel like such a sorry excuse for a person.  Very little desire for anything.  You & God constantly on my mind.  A deep angst.  It’s frustrating.  I simultaneously have deep peace, a deep deep peace.  And a joy.  They make me full.

I don’t really have much more to say.

I’m wrestling with whether or not to reach out to you… to create closure.  I don’t have anything new to say though I’m in the same space.

3/17

Time continues to move and you are not here with me.

I wish it’d stop.

I don’t know what it takes to be able to enter into relationship with you again.  To proclaim Jesus as savior? 

I cannot bear just being friends. 

I think of you each morning and evening and no part of this is getting easier with time.

I love you.

Made it to San Jose.  Getting feelings of déjà vu.

Sitting on an orange chair in a residential community that I FaceTimed you from early on.. must’ve been April or may.  I was conceited and wanted to gauge if you thought highly of me or why you were interested in me in general.  I’m quite annoying that way, I hate myself but am pompous in wanting others to respect me.  May humility lead the way this time forth & forevermore.

I remember sitting here and feeling all sorts of feelings.  So wanting us to go somewhere, but remaining at peace with the unknown.

A lot has happened since then.  I’m not the same man that sat in this chair with you a year ago.  I mourn and celebrate the changes that have happened.

I wonder what he’d think of me, that Joe that was here.  Disappointed? Intrigued?

I love you [x].  Breaks me down to not be able to share it with you.

Thought of you plenty on the first flight.  Second flight I had some peace.

If I am struggling like this now, wrestling with Him, I guarantee i will later in life too.  This is not a one and done thing, even if I do end up in Christ again.. seems like that’s how I’m wired.  I was reflecting with Henry on it yesterday and he told me he’s never seen me not in turmoil in some way.

I know that to be true.  I enjoy the anguish & mountaintops because it feels like I’m in raw contact with life & God.  Maybe I’m confused, but it seems like that is true.  The stable man seems disconnected to me usually.  Stable intellectually I mean, emotionally & spiritually I feel stable.  I regret not letting you in to that spiritual stability.. even if we couldn’t build our relationship on my search you still deserved to know me.

Anyway, back to the stable man.  How can you not be confounded by all this??  It tells me he’s not looking closely.  To see the mystery.  Or worse, he sees the mystery, but isn’t invested in it.  Doesn’t care about it.  What a tragedy.

What am I even doing writing in here.  How is this useful if it is perpetuating a dead thing.  I cannot be with someone that needs me to change something core to myself in order to marry me - the scarier part is I would make that change to be with you.  That’s all that I want and it gets clearer with time.  It’s the hardest thing to not run back to you.  You are foremost in my mind most of the time. It costs me much.

When will you pass.

I wonder if you’ll ever see these words.  Odds are low.

God, this sucks.

I’m not that miserable though.  I could describe to you my days and you’d feel proud of me I think.  The connections I’m fostering, beauty I’m creating, character I’m developing…

Alas -

All for naught, huh.

I don’t know.

I have a weirdly shaped hope.

I love you.

Joe

3/14

Darling,

I do not know what is in the cards for us.

I have hopes.

I want to sweep you into my arms and kiss you for hours - and not just to kiss, but to be close to you.  To feel close to you again.

I’m so confident in another will being enacted here.  I see the larger picture.  Martyrdom makes sense to me today.  He is at work & I have faith it all works.

He is.

I hardly am.

I love you.  I contemplate how deep & real these feelings are - are they even about you anymore?  I think they are.  I want to see you.  I know that now is not the right time to get back together.  I have so much searching and digging to do.

I hope with more of myself than I’d admit that you are caught up on me as I am you, remaining patient and open-handed. 

You are so strong my love.  Thinking through what you’ve been through emotionally, what you were willing to give me.  The patience and hope you had.

I want you.  All of you.  I want to become one.  And I’m not just referring to sex - that is far from my mind right now.

When someone is in your life all the way, sharing the vast majority of your life, life experientially becomes congruent - it becomes more and more like a single life.  And it brings you outside of yourself.  Dear god, ain’t that what I need.  I too easily self obsess.  I vomit in my mouth when I read anything I write - distasteful and self-aggrandizing.

I know that I love you.

I know that we shouldn’t be together right now.

I know that I want you to want me.

I know I will be at peace regardless the outcome.

You delight me still.

Love,

Joe

3/11

Sometime when I look at the last note I wrote i get quite surprised it was just the day before.  Each note feels a year apart.  It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you.

I hope to see you when I’m home for Easter.  Maybe a walk.

I love you and need vision for what to do with it.  This listlessness and wandering muse isn’t sustainable for me.  I think of you all the time and it over-affects my life.  It would feel like tragedy to shut you out, close the story..  but maybe our story is a tragedy.  I need a partner that can bear my wandering, because I know I will wander much in my life.  I feel I’m guided by the divine, but your interpretation of that may be too far gone for us to work..  either way I need to know.  Should I give up all and pursue you or do the work to separate from you as much as I can.

I am so attached still.  I want you and think of you all throughout the day.  And I let myself do so.  I want to.  Thoughts of you are my favorite.  They are beautiful and hopeful - yet somber and foreboding.  The interaction of those opposites so captivates me.

I love you.

I need to know what to do with it, else I rot.

It is hard to search knowing the person I love most, I want most, is waiting for me - depending on the outcome.

3/10

Miss you.  Love you.  Hope you’re alright.  I’m sure you are.

3/9

Wow I had the craziest morning.

Things are getting clearer.

Had a profoundly healing conversation with another open minded soul that has lost much and sees much.

I want to call you to talk with you about it.

I don’t know if we’ll be compatible again!  I love so much and see so much and see Jesus so clearly.  

I’m so deeply formed by all of this - but don’t know how you’d feel about this form.  How much doctrine would get between us.

I feel peace and hope and love.  It’s been a long time since I have.

My cup overflows as they say.

I love you [x].

3/8

This has been a hard week for me, regarding you.

I am so close to Him & i am also so far.

I know Him, yet know nothing of Him.

I am helping lead, encourage, & coach the Billings house church that you attended that one weekend.  I dearly love these people. 

It’s odd to occupy spiritual space and invoke spiritual ritual and move people through what seems to be genuine spiritual interactions - yet not to feel the conviction of what is occurring.  It is more easily explained as a quite human interaction, rather than spiritual.

There is much harm done by spiritualizing things unnecessarily.  Bridgetown is unfortunately ripe with it.  At least, when you do not allow that spiritual things are very regular things that occur materially.

The moment they are distinct, spiritual happenings disprove themselves when they occur materially in observable and explainable ways.

Yet it all occurs in material.  If it is observable by us, it is occurring materially.

Anyway.

I miss you.

A lot.

It hurts.

I want life with you.

I want everything with you.

It’s really hard to not let that affect my searching and drive time toward something I don’t deeply feel is true.

I’m worried that being alone, away from the Christian influence, will release me to see what has been fraying my rope.  That none of this is real.  That Jesus was a wise, influential man misunderstood by his followers who perpetuated ideas about him that happenstantially changed the world.

I have no idea how that could be the case, writing that out.

The influence of Christ on the world is so specific.  The odds of this much good coming from manipulation or happenstance… it doesn’t settle with me.  Feels ridiculously implausible.  Yet so it is to say that belief & surrender in the Protestant doctrine is the only way to stand in right relationship with a creator God that made himself accessible to all through a man that was born from a virgin (although each account of the virgin birth is different - or missing in our earliest gospel, Mark).

Something implausible is the case regardless.

Dreaming of holding you this evening.  Sitting and taking with friends late into the night, but my mind is elsewhere.  I loved having you in my arms.  Calling you mine.  My [x].  Hearing you say the same.  When you would say I was your person.  I want to belong to you in that way.  I want it so badly!  Having your whole person against my beating heart.  To know you were excited to see me.  These feel like shallow things, rereading this.  Oh [x] I love you.  It is anything but a shallow love.  The more I suffer for the sake of honesty the more I see it.  I hope this resolves itself.

Sometimes I wonder where I would be right now if we didn’t date.  How I would be, where I would be, what I would be thinking.  You kept me grounded in a crucial set of months.  I am principled and disciplined and wouldn’t have acted rashly or too far out of my regular moral structure, but things were looser last year.  You were good for me.  It was good to be committed to something, someone.

I do still fear marriage some.  It does seem a loss of freedom in many ways.  But I want the sacrifice that comes with it too. I want to be brought to the end of myself and choose you over me each moment of the day.  I want to serve and give, provide and protect.  & I also want to disappear for a month in the mountains.  You’re fine with that though, I don’t know what I’m saying.

I’ll come to portland at the end of March for Easter.  A year since you started feeling something toward me.  Wow only a year.  Feels as 5.  I hope to see you, but I need to think it through.  I cannot provide the foundation for a relationship based on Christ right now & I know that’s what you want.  It would wreck me to see you with someone else.  I hope that’s not the case.  If it is, so be it & I’ll trudge on, but I’m crossing my fingers.

3/4

I adore you.

I want to know how you’ve changed over these months

I’d like to get to know you again, to keep falling for you the rest of my life.  I fear that I will whether or not we’re together.

I want you happy.  The problem is I know how happy I could make you.  How deeply I would love you.  What we would create.

But god (as they say).

I want to see you.  I also know if I saw you I would be torn to shreds.  Or I would give in to the weaker man and fake that I’m fine.  Detach from the moment and give you the “friend whom I want to feel love” treatment.  Encouragement and smiles, but not my raw self.

The issue is that may be the wise choice.  To appear as surface to you

I just love you darling, and see you everywhere.  Thoughts of you are constantly present

3/2

I wonder if you’ve moved on.

I feel completely the same as I did months ago.

Cried myself to sleep only once this week!

Ridiculous how in love with you I’ve been. I really don’t think you realized how deeply..

I don’t want to do this all without you, but I’ve been getting a feeling that this is a forever thing, being separate.

Hurts, but where I end up in this existential search may be inhospitable toward us & our bond.

There was a journal entry on your website I remember reading months ago where you were reflecting on another breakup you had, and it was another right person, wrong time ending.  I hope because you’ve experienced this before, this doesn’t cut as deep.

I love you [x].

Have a wonderful life please.

Goodbye.

2/25

A pain coming from my roots.  I’ve operated without meaning for so long now.  The things I love are gone.  I do not know what to love.  There’s a part of me that knows the things I sacrifice for are good, but there is no understanding of why, nothing that could be put into words.

I love you.  I’m sorry this is the path.  But it is and I must stick to it regardless of cost.

“Hope in the lord from this time forth and forever more.”  

I’m trying.  Effort is only worth its honesty.  That is what I have to give, and I’ve given as much as I know how to.

Please be well.  Please continue your life.  I hope that’s what you’re doing.

I look occasionally, seeking a gut blow - waiting for you to signal somehow you’ve moved on fully from me.  Hoping to face that pain in order to free myself from the thoughts of you that are always here.  That’s not an exaggeration.  You’re one thought away, one breath away.

I picture you all the time - here with me, there with me.  I want you again..  desperately.  

I feel petty and childish.  These days and my objective situations are wonderful and full of things that’d be good enough for any other person on earth.  But mine doesn’t have Him, a meaning, a grander thing - at least not one that I’m sure of, although he is here and our relationship is strong.  I just don’t.. I don’t even know what.  But it’s off, it’s not comfortable.  It’s itchy and diluted.  I also don’t have you.  Misery ensues.  Why??  Am I weak???

Another day.  One after the other.

The best I can do is show up.

Being dependable, diligent, and honest.

I love you.

2/23

I love you.

I feel shallow.  Not a thing.  Not coherent or discrete.  Diffused and disparate.  I want you.  I want to hold you, hear your heart, know your mind, kiss your lips, press against your skin, look into those wonderful eyes.

Oh how I love you.

I do wonder what it will practically take for me to feel like we should be together again…. I don’t know if it’s just belief.  I don’t know if we will be in the same place after all this if I do claim Jesus as king and lord.  I may need someone who’s gone through this as well.  Who’s dragged themself through the mud to familiarize themself with the feel of the earth.

Union.

One with Him.  I feel that some.  This all is so emotional and I’m connecting in deeper and deeper ways.

I still feel a failure.  Life broken up in bits.  But that is just what’s inside me and that’s how it’s always been.  My external life is flagrantly beautiful.

Well, I’m going on in a way that should be in my journal.

I hope these words reach you someday so that you know what you have meant and do mean to me.

You’re too quick to devalue yourself in others eyes.  I don’t want to let you.  You are precious beyond all treasure, glimmering in such fashion the stars rot of envy.

I miss you.

I’m doing what I can.

Love,

Joe

2/22

Just so you know,

I love you with all my being.

It’s really dumb,

but I can’t change it.

I tried.

Happy two months.

2/21

I’m not thinking logically about you at all, which makes me so excited about you.

A life of deeply true, illogical behavior is the one I care to bear.

2/19

Each of my dreams pairs with you neatly now.

It wasn’t like this while we were together.

I want you with my whole being.

I’m wrestling with Him.  Progress is incalculable, but I’m aware of spiritual motion within me.  It has been a deep few weeks.

I miss you.

Your absence is heavily felt.

I love you so much.

Woke at 2:30am today, headed into mountains.  Wishing your hand was in mine.

I’d do anything except compromise on my honesty to have you back.  Heart wrecking that there’s still an impasse there.  I feel helpless - which is good.  I need help.  Attempting to meet all my needs by my own resources is what tyler or jmc called idolatry a while back I believe.  I do that a lot.  I’m learning to ask for help.

Like soil and seed,

Wind and fire,

Myth and man,

Melody and grief,

So my heart and you.

I love you my flower.

Regardless.

2/15

Dreaming daily of time with you.

It’s all I want.

I hope this week has been easier for you.

There’s so much I want to know - how your life is going, how you’re doing, developments on all the things we’ve talked about, but it’s alright - for another time or for never I suppose.

I’m not desperate or unable to do life without you.

However, I do not want this without you.  It is tiresome and noticeably missing your presence.

You are quite perfect for me.

I wonder how you feel, how things have changed, if you’ve moved on quickly.  If you have, that is alright.  You don’t owe me anything.

I love you dear.

2/10

I do not know if I can be with your god the way I’d need to be to come back to you.

I see the work of the One, Him, the Causeless Cause in the hearts of those who submit, but they are not all Christian.  They do not all submit to the Bible as ultimate truth that then reveals Christ as a central character to the story.

If I believe that you are being deceived - should I speak to you about it, knowing that the life I do desire sits on the other side & wanting a life of truth for you?  Or would that be selfish, given you are inspired and moved by your faith.  It provides much needed structure and a richness that makes your skin glow.

I love you.  So deeply.  The lengths I’d go to be with you are increasing rapidly..  yet - I will surrender to wisdom and truth until my heart stops.  It is not wise to pursue you now, while we do not believe the same thing.

I have met the living god, I will say.  I love him.

2/9

Feeling hopeless today.  You’re so far away from me, physically, spiritually, emotionally…

Tired.

Are we even a good fit for each other?  How much of it was made up?

Interacting with all these young married couples and finding myself thinking “me and [x] wouldn’t be like this” over and over, but would we?  Are we all that different?

Maybe I’m built to be alone.  I’m okay with that.  Do I want marriage?

I could marry you.  I want that.  But I don’t want marriage as an idea.

Idk I’m confused…

I think of you all the time.  I don’t know where this goes but I intend to show up wholeheartedly each day.

2/5

Hurting this week again.

I don’t want life without you.  It’s lackluster.

I’m not enough though.

Bummer. Driving me mad.

Just know that I’m trying.

I know God.  I do life with him.  I love him.

I don’t see how Jesus was god.  That isn’t clear to me.  Feels too good, too convenient to be true.  The New Testament has been too influenced by humans, it feels, not in the same category as the first testament to me.

I’m engaging in community, I’m searching for him in desperation on my knees.

I’m a distressed soul & I’ll let no balm close unless it swears to be truthful.

The Bible is a loose cannon.  Powerful & living, warranted, but treated so emphatically different by so many people to suit their purposes.  I do not trust people, I do trust Him.

I’ve thought of converting to Judaism in my more forlorn moments where I need a static opinion. 

Still I sit in the in between space.  Melting like a candle.  Or maybe my wick is a fuse and I’m set to be destroyed and injure all that I love.

I hate this and I want you.

I hope you’ve moved on.  I hope im like the others.  I hope you’re not where I am - because this is the most disgusting misery.

There is no real suffering going on.  I’ve just tasted you & now life without is bitter.  & I wallow.  Sitting in my stupor.  An objectively wonderful life & a subjectively miserable man.

I’m being morose & not every moment is like this.  But man, I miss you & love you.  I’m also forgetting you.  It’s the worst punishment.

Hope you’re well.

I just reread that.  Do you hear the self-pity in my tone?  Despicable, honestly.  I have a great life. Yet here I am.

2/2

Still love you.

Hasnt wavered at all.

It’s a little annoying at this point but I also wouldn’t change a thing.

2/1

I hope you’re well.

1/29

Thinking of you all the time.

But letting go.

I wrote that this morning.

I can’t let myself do that.

I can’t get myself there.

Did we really have something?

Like really really?

I’m caught on you, can’t get loose.

I wonder how you’re doing.

How over me you are.

Was I much to you? Looking back has it stayed that way?  Sometimes things feel like more than they really are in the moment.

Am I like the others?

I can feel my emotions carried in my innards.  It’s all so tense and I don’t know how to release.

1/26

I’m doing what I can.

Still in this.

I love you

1/24

I love you.

I’m losing you.

Thanks for stepping into my mess last year.  Having to be present for you amidst the pain created noble structures in me.

It may be time to take the scaffolding down.

I don’t want to touch it.  Not yet.

1/23

I miss you.

Angered it has to be this way.

You belong with me, exploring things like this.

These conversations would spark much in you.

How you feel is becoming vaguer and vaguer.  Distant memory.  Another world.

There’s grief in losing that, forgetting what’s being lost.

It’s hard to see how I’m changing.  This has been a transformative month.  Visions, adventures, career breakthrough, the Lord, brokenness, honesty, hope, art - so much art.  You’re not part of it this time.  How I wish you were.  You’ll have to get to know me again.  Probably the same for you..

Stories - so many little things, small significances - they’re just mine now.  Nobody to share with.

Comforted by Oneness alone.  Fondness has made a home in me for this season.  I’m really doing well.

Yet I want life with you.  I want life in Christ.  All else feels like it’s missing something.

I’ve come back into myself.  Really I am more me than ever.  Feeling strong, wish you could see it.

I worry that you never presented your convictions to me.  While reciprocal in some senses, I don’t feel like I saw a lot of who you are deeply.

I know of your tendencies, character, hopes, some of your ambitions (I still feel there’s much more to know), beliefs, but I don’t feel like I never knew them.  Oh how I wish to.

Did you hide from me?  Did you safeguard parts of yourself because you saw breakup coming?  Did you avoid talk of conviction for fear I’d belittle?

The few moments when you caught flame in front of me were brilliant, the most attracted I’ve been.  I love your passion.  I wish it didn’t feel it needed to hide.  To wear doesn’t inherently mean to display, I know you’re cognizant of how talking about yourself affects your heart.  You neither want to be seen as a big deal or as too small of a thing - it’s easier to just not be fully seen.  There’s beauty in that.  You don’t need to be understood.

Anyways.. just wishing I had more of you.  Back then & now.

1/22

Monday night, checking in.

Still can’t picture myself with anyone besides you.

Watched some provoking films - I’m digging intentionally into conversations about sexuality and gender identity development. 

Has me digging into myself quite a bit.  Thinking more of what I identify with.  I almost feel asexual, but you know as well as I that there’s quite a bit of sexual energy in me, so it’s not fully that.

I don’t want to sleep with people.

I am sometimes attracted to a person.  I feel pulled in by them and it’s fun.  They put me on my toes and I desire make a certain impression on them.

That doesn’t coincide with wanting a romantic relationship or sex.

I really don’t care to have that with people I’m attracted to, it’s burdensome to imagine it

I seem to be [x]sexual, a new disposition of my discovery.

I’m not joking, it’s worrying. I have no desire for anyone else.

Girls have been asking me for my number here.  I’ve been chatted up by lovely young actresses.

Simply don’t care.  Can’t conceive of them beyond a friend.

I want you & i still think of myself as yours.

Yikes.

(Happy one month)

1/21

At Sundance, this would be magical with you.

The snow, the lodges, the stories, 

Everyone is larger than life.

Hung with Mako and his wife a bit + a bunch of their partners.

They’re getting a lot more involved in Brooklyn, doing less travel.

My mind wanders to the potentiality of life there with you, you working with them somehow.

Of course I think of you each time I see him now.

This place and the occurrences are so moving.

It’s good to see Dex and Sal.

Unfortunate you never met them.

I love you still.

1/20

I’ve been away a while.

Fasting, praying, whatever I could.

I want to see Him.  He’s showing Himself to me.

I don’t know anything.

I love you ceaselessly.

I hope you’re alright.

I’m sure you are.

You usually were until we got on the phone.

Was I the cause or the venue for the tears?

I’m fighting for you now, even if you don’t see it.

Hopeful.  That’s what I am.

For the first time in a while.

It will still be awhile.

I’m still not ready.

You haven’t left my mind, never have.

I want you in my arms, to hear your voice.

I don’t miss you so sharply.  It’s not painful.

I’m not sure how I feel about that.

I know how I feel about you.

I want to be in an old little house somewhere particular,

Making love to you.

It should be warm, but not too warm.

Colorful, but not too colorful.

Worn, but not too worn

Evidences of love and pain scattered across the bricks and endless broken cups in the carpet.

There should be a wood stove.

Shelves of leather bound books.

Your mind all over the walls, stories in paint

Your eyes

meeting me there.

Your skin on mine.

The purest forms of who we are,

Conjoined.

Speaking in every way but words.

Deep swelling passion, in and out like the tide,

joining the larger dance, the only dance,

where mind are matter are the same.

No melody, no dissonance, no harmony, just us, because when you are dancing you break rules.

The entire future ahead, no rust.

Children, home, hardship, faith, delight -

Ours.

Or -

I will see you again at a distance.

Once I’ve built all I needed,

Wandered all I could,

And landed - hopefully landed - somewhere good.

It will be a quiet acknowledgement,

Of what almost was,

A passing of souls, too close to be together.

Not tragic, just true, just real.

You’ll be with him, I’ll be with me.

Content and in the same quiet misery,

The kind I cherish, and exaggerate.

I’ll love your children the same.

(Although they’d never meet me)

Because they’ll share your name,

eyes, person.  They’ll be just right.

However, I will know,

You will too,

You are right for me.

I’m not meant for you.

If that is how it be,

Then forever it will be so.

This is not me giving up.

It is me letting go.

The story doesn’t always end the way it should,

“in this life there’s no finished symphony,”

Then we were the masterpiece, misunderstood.

I will love you all my life.

& I do not need to have you

for that to be so.

It is more than enough - to know you’re smiling.

Right now you may be in a hard place.

But I imagine you coming out full.

If the above comes true, I hope I fade & become one of them,

The others, the previous, the men, 

the right person wrong times,

So you don’t carry this weight that I do -

Ladybird, I wish the best for you.

1/13

I love you so much darling.

I had an interesting spiritual experience last night. I’m always with him/it, but this was super direct.  We talked.  I broke.  He told me I was beautiful, he relieved my insecurities, I still don’t know who/what he is - but he knows me and is with me.  He healed my knee.  It was immediate and in response to my request.

I don’t know what to make of the world or scripture or anything really.  But I’m in contact with him.  We chatted a lot.  A back and forth.  He didn’t answer some of my questions.  I apologized for being stubborn.  He told me he likes the stubborn ones.  He cracked a joke that was so personal it surprised me. “I’m not finished with you yet.”  He moved me to paint, I told him I don’t know what I’m doing haha.  I cried more than I have in years, but was elated and cried from a place of relief.

Normal life has continued since.

The road is so long with him.  I don’t know where it goes, but I know I’m taking steps and am doing what’s needed.  I’m sorry you’re not here for it, but I’m grateful for it too.

I’m releasing you in my mind.  It’s okay if you’re with someone else.  I’ll be alright.  I’ll be happy for you.  We’ll see where I land, but my intentions with you haven’t shifted at all.

I love you darling.

1/12

Letting go.  I am not an eligible suitor for you.  Texting you yesterday wrecked me in a way. So badly wanting to see you, but knowing it’d harm the structures that require separation to be sturdy. 

I need to let go until either I’m eligible or permanently ineligible.

Yet I want to fight for us.  I hate this impasse.  I wish we could fit through.

More to stew on.

I love you, dearest.

1/11

You are the only thing I want these days.  I’m unable to produce another desire.  I have to persuade myself the other things in my life are things I want. 

My very heart is out of my chest and I have no claim over it.  Implanted in another city that is no longer home.  The pulse and rhythm of the days are gone, there is only blue.  A beautiful blue I am choosing to savor.  But the intensity!

I love you darling, beyond space, time, or religion.  It is difficult for me to know you wouldn’t marry me like this.  It hurts some, but it is as one should expect.  It may be helpful, actually.  In my tossing and turning, when I am looping the truth that I left you over how I feel about what you think about what I believe (mouthful), I can remember that you would not marry the man writing this.  Another version of him maybe, but not this one.  And so I am irrelevant to you and your future. To ponder you is to give CPR to a week old corpse.  I must have resolve in this to get anywhere, for I am a weak man over you.  I want togetherness, I want connectedness, I want it all.  I am not a Christian.  You will not marry me.  The tension I feel, it shakes my bones.  Be broken Joe, it is okay.

You are not mine.  I am still yours.

I would marry you like this, given time.

Goodnight.

1/9

I love you.

Really really missing you.  I booked all my Sundance tickets last night and felt remorse.  You won’t be there.. there are so many experiences coming up and happening now I wish we could share in.  It’d strengthen us.

At the end of the day, we do not know the same god, we do not have the same connection to life’s meaning.  Mine so far isn’t exclusionary, yours is.  That is alright.

Time to keep moving.

1/8

I’m doing the work.  Letting the questions about the universe & god take center stage. I’m not doing it for you per se, but definitely energized by being apart from you.

1/7

I’m learning to do life with tears in my eyes.  I wish you were here.  I wish you were mine. 

I drove 20 hours to salt lake over the last two days.  I’m pretty sure i thought of you for 19 of them.

I love you. 

I want to marry you.  I want a future together.

If only I knew Him.

1/5

Getting to see you yesterday has been the highlight of my year so far (lol).

It was so good to see eye to eye.  I hope you’re feeling the same encouragement and optimism, although it is very sad and I miss you.  I feel like I have enough space now to go and dig into who god could possibly be.  Previously, I couldn’t sit still knowing that you may be hurting unnecessarily and that you might just get over me like any other guy.  I’m so in love with you and I don’t want that to change, but I’m going to separate myself from you mentally.  It’s going to take work.  There’s no guarantees of anything happening here and I can’t hold out and pretend like I’m in control by ruminating and dreaming of being with you again.  Things are how they are.  If i find Jesus (or he finds me), you will be in my arms promptly.  Otherwise, I hope you have a wonderful life.  You deserve every bit of goodness in this world.  I can’t stand the thought of you not being taken care of.  My flower.  My ladybird.

I’m grateful for your hope in me.

I love you.

1/4

I’ve screamed and cried like I never have today.  I’m sorry I’m not enough right now.  

I want life with you.

I’m a mess today, partially of my own doing.

I’m in Charlotte, torn over whether to message you.  I want to see you, but there’s nothing different I’d say.

I went to the brewery you may be painting at.  I wasn’t planning on talking to you, but I wanted to get a glimpse.  I felt like a creep, but it was like I was on autopilot.  Wept in my car and distracted myself with a meeting for a moment…. The drive home was violently sad.

I miss you so much. And now I’m crying

1/3

I’ve gone 24 hours without looking at photos of us.  Feeling proud.

I’ll admit I did just scroll through the last few weeks of our texts, noticed how I was slipping.  On the drive to the gym I practiced breaking up with you, saying it out loud.  It had started to become clearer I’m not what you need in a partner right now..  all of it dissolved when I saw you.  I love you.  That’s why there were feelings of unrest came that evening at the sushi shop.  I was so tired of feeling this way toward you.  I just wanted to be connected and feel like we had the world in our hands.  I so badly wanted to give you all of me, but didn’t feel like I could.  The next day was sweet - playing and messing around.  It ended with a sinking feeling.  I knew what was wise.  Gave myself another day to sleep on it.

I’m frustrated with myself.  I want to be your man.  I want to fill that space in your life and get sick at the thought of someone else doing so.  Still, I’m not who you need.

I’m at the airport headed to Charlotte. I’ll arrive tomorrow morning. It’s going to be the hardest thing to not reach out to you.  I’m there for two days.  You’ll be 20 minutes away from me.  I want to drive by, see what you’re working on.  Observe from a distance.  The car’d make it obvious.  I’d have to park a ways away.

I think seeing you will help me realize you’re gone, that we’re not in the same standing.  I don’t think talking with you will help.  It’s all I want though.  This sucks.  I wonder how you feel.  I’m so sorry to be putting you through this.

I made the decision solely on principle, not on emotion.  I am warring my emotions just to not call you, hear your voice again.  I’m sure it’s the same on your side…. Actually I’m not sure.  I’m not sure that you’re feeling this.

1/2

I’ve met and talked with many couples who weren’t in solid places in their faith when they were dating and got married, rather they decided to be committed to each other and to figure things out along the way.  It’s making me rethink my decision because this is torture.  I want you so badly.  I want your hand in mine, to play and laugh together, to plan and live out a future together.

I adore you.

I don’t know who I’ll be.  Would you marry me if I’m not a Christian?  I forgot to ever actually ask you.  I assumed that your answer was no and planned accordingly, but I should’ve given you a chance to respond.  I wonder if that would’ve changed how my body reacted the week that I realized what needed to be.

1/1

I dreamt of you in 4 ways last night.  Up most of the night staring at the ceiling.

They were all oriented around you with someone else - I woke distraught & sad, with a tinge of anger.  Watching someone else kiss you, imagining that being the case, sickened me.  Didn’t feel right.  I still feel you’re mine even though you’re not, and like I’m yours.  I’m not changing my state unless my mind is changed dramatically, I turn fully away from God, or you get married to someone else.

I wonder if you dreamed too.

I sneak away to look at pictures of us and you, it feels like I’m breaking a rule.  It’s not always sad.  Reminds me of my times in the mountains, whenever I wouldn’t have service to shoot you a goodnight text, I’d look at our photos before sleeping.  I love how you look.  I miss how you feel.  The sound of your voice still echoes in my head.  I wonder how long until the inevitable and it quiets, and I forget.  I wonder what I’ve already forgotten.  I wonder what you have.

I hope never to fully.

I want to return to being each other’s one day.

I’m glad you kissed me one more time before we parted..  I don’t believe it’s the last.  It’s not that I’m not ready to believe it.. I know it won’t be.

I feel infantile, so pouty and concerned with myself.

I don’t think you understand how much my heart, eyes, and mind are only for you (romantically).  There is no other for me.  This is not just my stubbornness speaking, I’m under a spell & I don’t want to be rid of it.  I am yours.  I hope you will still be mine in due time.

I can’t believe what I had.  It was so good!!  I’m so grateful for you my love.  Even if you do not end up mine, this was enough.  I am peaceful regardless (although full of resolve to see you mine again).  Content and determined.  The space between us is not for nothing.  It is so clear to me how I need this.  I don’t know what I stand for and thus hardly know who I am.  I was not equipped last year to think well about the future.  Frankly, I still am not.  I must dig into myself and search out my soul. I must get to know God on his own terms and better understand the human story and what sort of universe we occupy.  Once I am on better footing, I will be able to evaluate what life I could provide for you.  If this doesn’t meet what you want or deserve, you won’t hear from me & I’ll be a bit of a wandering monk.  If this does, I’ll fight hell to have you again.  That door isn’t closed until you’re wed - and even then I have until “I do.”

Im quite sad.  You are sweet to the mind, taste, and touch.  I love you, dearest ladybird, like no other.

I want to marry you.  That’s what I’m realizing.  I struggled with a feeling of impermanence our whole relationship.  I didn’t give myself to you fully - and while there are many reasons why, this limited your view of me, and I’d wager my view of you.  I failed to explore & treat you as one would a life partner, although I do not regret how we were.  I didn’t know what I wanted.  A little space has allowed me to see what I do.  I feel energy flowing into everything again, my heart is filling up, I am no longer depressed.  If only you dated me now, but I know this timing is not for nothing.  I will hold you again.  I see what I want.  If I can honestly become the man that meets your spiritual needs (which is not at all the goal of my quest, for the record, rather an ideal outcome), then I will create it.  

I love you my flower.

12/30

I hope you’re alright.

I can’t imagine anyone better for me than you.

I don’t want to move on.

I hurt like I’ve never hurt.

I’m sorry I’m not ready.  I’m so sorry.  I’m sorry I couldn’t be who you deserve.  I hope you find someone who is.  Mostly I hope I become him and return to you.

I’m with our friends today.  Everyone is half-strange to me and I’m always figured out. I’d rather be with you doing nothing.  I’m glad I’m not alone though.

How are you?  How is grammy?  Did Avery like his telescope?  How did your dad handle the little amount of time you had for him this trip?  Is your mom belittling you again at all?  Are you being taken care of?  Are you excited for your mural this week? Do you miss me?  Do you hurt like I do?  Why did you stay with me?  Do you regret nothing still?  I have 0.  Would you come away with me if I came to you?  How long could you wait for me?  Does this feel like any other of your breakups?  Am I becoming just another ghost of what could’ve been?  Will you try to forget me?  Have you deleted any of our photos?  Do you remember how I feel to the touch?  Is your family upset with me?  Do you think I could still win them over if we came back together?  Can I still love you as a friend?  Was our love actually unique? Do you think you’ll still think so in 6 months?

I’m afraid I won’t get to care for you.  I love you & so deeply desire you to be cared for.  I don’t know if you’re getting what you deserve (you deserve the world) and it’s hard.  I know for a fact I didn’t provide you what I wish I could’ve.

I met with Ana yesterday and we talked about you.  I see why you’re grieved over her, she’s quite lost & stubborn.  She told me about your relationship with Jesse and it upset me (although I didn’t let her know).  Just the idea of you with someone else.  Knowing that there was love there.  That what we had may not have been unique for you.  She said you fall fast and you get tunnel vision.  I know you, you feel so beautifully, but I could see how it’s true.  It pains me - maybe this experience is unique only to me.  It gives me hope that you can move on from me the way you’ve moved on from others.  I don’t know what I’m going to do.  You’re it for me honestly.  I have no interest or even can imagine interest in anyone but you.  I love you ladybird.  Fly home soon.

I’m tempted to send you this right now.  I want to call you, hear your voice, see your face.

12/29

Still love you.  I miss you.

The days are so long.

I’m so soppy haha, it’s embarrassing.  Moody all the time.  Excited to get out of this funk, but also fully feeling it.

I’m resolved to come back to you my love.

I hope you made it safely to NC.  I’ll be there in a week, hoping in the back of my mind I’ll run into you.  I just want to hear your voice again.

I’m done wallowing in my feelings.  I love you and im going to do something about it, applying myself fully to this spiritual process.

12/28

Holding you at arm’s length hurts.  Received and responded to your email about Sundance today.  I can only imagine how you feel.  I’m just sorry that this is how things must go.

I’ve been unable to eat these last few days.  Only way I can is if I workout and push myself near fainting, then an appetite appears for a moment.

I’ve never had trouble eating before. I’ve also never had something like what we had before.  It reassures me that I am not intellectualizing our bond or seeing things that aren’t in me.  Separation from you has affected every appetite I have.  I love you.  I will do what is good for you regardless of cost.  The deception and pain lies in understanding what is good.  Who am I to decide that for you?  For that, I feel sorry, yet I still feel convicted that the call needed to be made before we go into as intimate family spaces as the holidays would’ve created.

We were spiritually underdeveloped and I am unable to do that work with you.  I’m so sorry it took until now for me to see it, it has to do with the stage in the journey I’m in.  I feel a crux coming.

I love you like no other, [x]. I see you each time I close my eyes.  I kiss you in my memories and I partner with you again in my imagination.

Mourning the loss of this.  Can’t take naps anymore.  Heart is grieved.  I hope you’re having it easier.

The things I wish I could say to you..

12/27

You’re still the first and last thing on my mind each day.

I can’t believe it hasn’t even been a week, it feels like it’s been years.

12/26

Remember when we wrestled in Patty’s parsonage?  You are my type of woman. I loved you then, although hadn’t said it yet.

I’m looking at Wahclellah falls right now.  Wishing you were here.  Just the thought of you makes each moment sweeter.

Bittersweet now.

Am I in denial or am I hopelessly attached to you? I want the latter.

We haven’t even gone backpacking together :(

Missing you this evening.  Your casual beauty, quiet comfort, playful spirit.. I’m coping, getting by.  At some point I need to move on from writing in here, it delays feeling like you’re gone..

I want to hold you.  To hear your heartbeat, to look in your eyes - thinking of that lightning bolt in your left iris, to touch you again..  I want it.  

Every time I see something interesting, I want to talk to you about it.  I turn to you in mind, then dissolve the idea.

I turned off your location yesterday because I couldn’t bear knowing where you are - and I couldn’t keep myself from looking.

I guess it’s odd for me to be writing all this.  I chose this..  I so want to pick up the phone and hear your voice.  It’s not wise.  I’m not ready for you.  If I come back to you, I will be serious and energized.  Much more than ive been this last year.  I’m sorry for what you must be going through right now.

You’ve felt for our relationship more heavily than I have I think, I hope you feel the peace that I have.  This is so clearly the right call, I need to do some digging this year..

Okay - this shouldn’t become my journal.  I’m holding out that we will come back together and these notes will show you my heart toward you in a way my words can’t.

12/25

I love you still.

It only gets clearer each day.

What we have isn’t over and wasn’t in vain.

It’d take the conspiring of heaven and hell to stop me from coming back.

I’m sorry that you are alone on Christmas.  That feels cruel.  I wish you could be with your family, mostly I wish you could be with me.  I want to be your family.  I know that.  I know what I want with you more than I know of anything else.  All else is shaky, but I see you and I want life with you.  I may be over-sentimental, as consequence of breaking up, but this feels so true.

I’m at peace today.  There isn’t a frothing of my spirit, although I am sad and have shed tears for you unlike any other in my life.  This was the right decision.  I hope you are okay and I miss your hand in mine, your lips on mine, your body on mine.

I sift through our photos daily, they don’t feel far away or separated for a certain time of life…. They’re not over.

There is an empty space in my heart meant only for you.  I’ll become a man that deserves you.

Just as clear as my love for you is our need for separation now, I am a wounded wandering soul - looking for a truth worth surrendering to.  Different tribes call Him different things.  I do not want to follow men, I seek to find Him on His own terms.  To have an original experience with Him.  Or rather It.

This wasn’t a waste, I am not throwing what we built away, I am trying, I do love you, I don’t want to see you go, I am not ready for you now, loving you is leaving you be, I delight in every part of you I’ve been lucky enough to experience, I do not regret a thing, I still know what I want, I will do my best to become ready - and maybe that is impossible for me - but I will try!!

Every moment finds a way to relate to you, they captivate me and hold me prisoner, I cannot release thought of you.  And I do not want to.  You are still the sweetest part of my days, even if just the thought of you.

I am rambling.  I have no way to get my thoughts out fully.  I love you and am breaking at the seams.  If I know anything, I know this is what growth feels like.

12/24

The only ways I’d turn the page on you is if you get married to someone else or I declare god to be dead.

12/23

Drew better not try anything.  Or I guess he can.. this is frustrating.  I don’t feel like I’ve lost you.  

I don’t feel anything will be as lovely as life was with you.

I hope with all my heart to come back to you, but I need to release it as a necessity.

I can’t stay the same man after this.

12/22

“You didn’t even get to know me”

“You haven’t seen my home”

“I am very hurt”

“I have no regrets”

“I love you”

“You are an amazing human”

“Why are you throwing this away”

“After all that we’ve been through”

“We didn’t even make it one week in person”

“But I chose you”

“What should I tell my family”

“Why do I choose these type of men”

“I wanted everything with you”

Sharing vision of life together in Oxford

I’m sorry for coming on cold and trying to hide my love.  I’m sorry for doing it now.  I’m sorry that it’s the right call.  I’m not sorry at all for what we made.  I love you.  I love you.  I love you.  

I’ve never loved someone like I have you.

You were so hurt.

I need to come to clarity so I can win you back.